it's summer. i'm in this room again, where all my small fears and doubts grew and became a real big problem. here i wanted to change smth and started this blog. did it really help? - hm, i think i will put this question into the box named "unnecessary". now i'm alone here. no friendly noise in the kitchen, no meditative koala's snorring on the tree behind the window. just this hard air and stone. i'm enjoying the sunlight in the daytime, these previous months of intensive working in the space made me a little bit paranoid. well, most important news is that i ran away from them. i quit. i think, they were really shocked, so many resources have been put in me. i think, they are really disapointed at the moment, i'm, somehow, necessary element in their earth-universe-sector. interesting, who will work with the stars after me. in any case i will look for them by my own, sure, there is nobody who could really replace me. such a pitty, but my natural feeling of responsiblity [thank you, superheroesmothernature] will not give me to have neverending vocation. i will have to work, but at least in recent time i controled, how i work by myself. just imagine, how it should be nice to fall from the space into the sand, where my superman will find me with a small brush in his hands, for cleaning the costume after star-dust. he will help me to take it off from my tired body, let me to jump into the ocean and wait for me with a cocnut in his hands. hmmmm. no, it's not my life now. but you know, superheroes are much more easier in this questions. kitchen talks with a cup of good-old-cocoa, the costume, laying in the bathtop, nice french music on the background... this is mostly the same for me. this is how my life should be, but the problem is... that they've found me. and there are some more rules, before i could be free... that's why i'm again in this city, and even that it's okay here for me, i feel like a prisoner, just because i can't control my life in the way i want. i just have to do some administrative stuff and of course they won't leave me anymore, will always keep eye on me. but i'm also smart, so we will see.

hey-hey. i came back.
and i think i will continue with this strange socializing... now i even like it.
i returned from my big space journey. yes, it was real necessity to make my brains clear as starlight... and i flew and stars were shining in the space vacuum... and i met my wonderful superhero-friend. and he returned me my heart-quater. and it was absolutley in different condition, like new. and now my half-heart became so big, nearly full one... that is so amazing. so wonderful. we flew together through the stars, saw jupiter's oceans... laughed... but nobody heard, vacuum will not give you sound-pleasure, but we heard each other perfectly. that's first time in my life when i met superhero i could be so open to, talked so easy with... and i guess become more human... with my half of heart i feel so strong and so good. and my super-depression is leaving me slowly. i'm not sure that i'm ready to save the world now, because everything is not stably inside me. so it seems i could make a lot of mistakes. so that's why i talked to them and found good educational trip to germany, where my superfriend is living now. so i will take sweeper, kiwies, say good bye to my wonderful residental flat-mates, sit in my rocket and totally change my life for some time. they told me, that i'm one of the bravest members of the team and only because of that i could go.. if superhero don't afraid to think about his own life - it's so rare - that they can't influence on that, so i've got big support.
now my responce is only space. on the earth i will just solve my innersuperhero problems.
sweeper will miss this crazy country, he found so much fun here... kiwies are eaier... they are always ready to move.. ah and small baby-rabbit
i guess i will stay him here. i know he will find a lot of love around... and i have no time to care about him enough.
so 10 days with crazy russians in depresive moscow weather and than trip to kissesland.

yesterday i watched this 20th cnetury of fox movie hancock. well, i need to tell you - it's a great movie about superheroes... of course, this classical movies with guys in red latex pants are much funnier and absurder, and i like them more. but in this... there are a lot of things, which are so close to reality... of course, all this pair-fairy-tale can't have place in real world) also there was beautiful moment about becoming mortal - very romantic) in any case it's all ridiculous
but i liked that in the beginning he was such a jerk! such a jerk! really dumb)) in a very human way)) that is a great idea... i think if we were really so free from our power's responsibility and could drink alcohol... i think a lot of us were exactly like him... oh, what a nice picture... this drunk homeless jerks with super-powers are laying on the streets on this earth... haha)
and i liked the moment that he didn't open to the humans, because really it's impossible to open to usual human... nobody of them will never understand... just doesn't have enough experience, just couldn't feel superhero's melancholy... you can't imagine what will you feel when you see how planets are dancing in universes with another time or what do you feel when you lose the chance to save a city, when you know that you could even rule the time in special cases... i meant it's just the other level of problems... and our loneliness is so different from yours. that's what i liked. i liked that he had a problem inside. but didn't show it. and also tried not to think about that for himself... hm if we had such guy in our center, i guess, we were really good friends...
sweeper laughed and grunted so loud in the cinema... sometimes i thought somebody will kick him)) but i could imagine how stupid that was for him))) and of course i'm sure he would be happy to have drunken superhero as a friend)

day by day i'm laying in my bed. thinking. looking at the stars through the roof, counting how much stars had disappeared. a lot. what will be with this world, if all superheroes will get a depression? what will be if they all will fall in love? people have no idea, how much evil actually is on this planet
i can make acknowledgment: i love space more, than earth. and it's painful for me when i saw how stars are dieing...
i know. i love the stars. but this love is so cold. amazingly cold, but i'm freezing in any case. i want to learn how people love each other. how careful they are with ones who they love. and this warmness. i have something deep inside. something strange, i had never before. i even think that it's the reason of my strange condition. it hurts, but it gives me the reason to live, and to save this world. it gives me powers and in the same moment it takes them away. only you could understand that, i know. you are also out a little. another problem, but on the same side. we are like broken toys.
my friend sweeper is sleeping on the tree outside. poor koala... it's raining. but he is much happier than me. even if it's cold and wet... they told me to stay at home for some time... i'm not useful now for this planet... that's bad, because some things only i could do. but it's not my deal. and i don't want to decide. because my opinion doesn't matter. only life matters. and peace on the earth.

piu-piu
i'm disconnected. sorry. the season of burning planets was longer in this year... and mostly more intensive. some planets are still burning. but it's not my problem anymore. i'm out. i'm beyond. my doctor told me i need to take some rest. so these days i will lay in my bed or in my bath. trying not to think. trying to stop this flame in my mind. i guess this summer is a hard and strange period of my life. it's easy when everything in your life is clear... when you have the order and the rules... just need to do what you have to do... or have to do just what you need to do... and when you start to ask yourself: what for? the rules become useless, you become weak.. and this question will never leave you... until you will have another question to think about, maybe which will have the answer
sleep

if somebody could take this rocket out of my head!
i'm full of work, busy, buzzy, buzzzzzy... crazzzy

i need to go, but some thoughts are teasing me and don't let me be clear and straight as i should be. ok. planets are burning and will be burning... so one planet - one post, i think that is a good price. about rockets got stuck in our heads. the superpowers are very strange thing, nobody knows why some people have them and the others no... could a human become a superhero or you need to be born like this.?! i don't know, even don't understand. some part of my powers have been with me since i was born, some i found, some came to me from nowhere... complicated... i never ask for something like this, never wanted to be strong, for example. but never turned back either. accepted all that i've found, observed and learned a lot, was interested and tried what else i could do, experimented. and a thousand-time's question: what for? with all this abilities - i'm bored. and i still don't understand when i will save myself from all this emptiness and useless inside. oh my dear friend, i guess, only with you i could ask myself this forbidden questions. now it's getting dangerous. for them, for me, for planets.
because what i'm thinking doesn't matter. only life is matter and peace on the earth.

ok, hot spacy-girls, i'm comming! this barbecue will be with rocket-oil!

oh, i'm so busy this days. the season of burning planets. i'm always out.
also reading a new book 'dictionary of superhand. explaining for everything'

soup
that is a little like a small pond, but it fits into your plate. a special kind of plate...like a soup-plate. and there you can put the pond in. sometimes there is fish in a soup, like in a pond or a duck. there is the big difference about a pond and a soup: if the fish in the pond is living, it is a good pond. if it would be a soup, it would be a bad soup. and if there is a duck swimming in your soup, it is mostly the pond you are sitting in front of. if you would now shoot the duck, it would not invert the pond into a soup. now it gets complicated: but if you would put the duck into your soup bowl, it would become a pond.

hm. amazing how he could see the very core of things. now need to fly again.

woke up totally crushed. hm, maybe it was bad idea to turn on the hyper-speed without any hat on the head... but i think the reason is that i came to bed without washing all the star's powder from my hands... but it shines so beautiful, i wish i could wear it all the time. and sweeper told me i slept with a finger in my mouth again. shit. hate this habit. so i guess the star's coldness is now destroying my lungs.so i guess, that i'm ill already. but actually feel much better. heart doesn't hurt as much as recent days. and guy called from new zealand and told me that my heart-quarter is working properly, he made something with it. don't know what, but such moments give me hope, that in superhero's world also could be human relationships. feel warm about that. hm, or i've got a high temperature. or it's just hot delicious cocoa, my neighbor girl made for me. that's what i like and jealous to in humans. they could make miracles and even don't notice this... so naturally... and she even doesn't know, that it's the only one medicine for me which is working. i told 'thanx'. and drank with big pleasure. i always wanted to drink like humans... when your cup is staying clear after you took a sip... but my cup is always dirty. sometimes i even think that i have a hole in my lips. but i checked a couple of times. no. well, i guess, i just have no such ability. [balance law?]
will go and lay a little on my rocket. it always calms me down

that was very hardworking day
i can't be more social than i am
people, i love you and will make the best
but you will never appreciate
doesn't matter. night is coming. new heroes are on the way.

this world is killing me
why am i saving it?

morning. again sun is shining. again evil doesn't care. weather doesn't matter. only peace on the planet does.
i don't know what fucking is going on in this world. but i've got a letter. and i guess soon i will become a superhero without heart at all. argh! this ache is killing me! i want some medicine, why it doesn't work with me anymore... i feel that my far-away heart-quarter is not safe anymore. that's not that i have some doubts about this guy who is looking at it, but my own heart's sending weird signals. and in the letter he wrote that it started to work differently.

first

she told me, you need to be more social. good advice to a superhero, don't you think? at first i thought she was kidding at me. she. team's psychologist. never understood, what is she doing in the system. too young, too usual. but they think, it's necessary. the problem is that in our world everything is according to the law of harmony and balance. so when you've got superpowers, you loose some other usual abilities. for example... me. i can't have any connection to alcohol, tobacco or any other drugs... yes, it's a little bit hard with all this stress i've got after work... so do i need a psycho-help in this case?
ok, ok. i will try. don't look at me with this big cow eyes.
evening. the day wasn't hard, the world is still spinning round. today was sun, but evil doesn't care.
my super-nick-name is rocketgirl. i can't tell what superpowers do i have - it's forbidden. but believe me, enough to work in the system. i live in the world of hard rules. can't change anything. nothing matters. only peace on the earth does. the earth is parted between different power-blocks - can't tell more. forbidden. my block is responsible for a half of europe and a half of asia. they've decided. that's why i live in the small flat in the nearest city... shitty Moscow-city... lonely, but never alone. one of them i always have near: special agent sweeper [australian guy, he was special trained to be my assistant, so he is like my right hand. sometimes like left. he is a mind sweeper. nice and very organized. and he is koala], also a baby-rabbit is always around [he is here accidentally. accidentally appeared in my special pocket - later about that], two kiwis stayed here for uncertain term... but they are ok. also two neighbors in the flat: a girl [just a resident, but try to be very mysterious] and a sheep [very, very good sheep with bad habbits]. also i have good friend here. i call him kopanda, but he is a resident too. pretty smart one. as you could see, nothing really special.
but at the moment, i'm sick. big problems with my heart. problem is that actually i don't have a heart like a full heart... i have only a quarter of it it's a long story. long ago i lost a half. but i survived and became a superhero [balance-law]. and now my life turned in a such way that i had to send a quarter of my heart to the other part of planet, because another superhero needs it. but i didn't expect that now... here...the part which is still with me will be also damaged. fuck. so complicated, i guess, for the first socializing. in any case don't forget, that i'm just a female-superhero. and superheroes have their own special kind of weakness... so i'm just sitting here and feeling this ache. ache. ache... more social... ha! residents...

oh, shit! it means they cooked this horrible asian food in the bathroom again... and it will smell like a wet camel till the morning. i need to go now.
oh ye. and if you want to have a good advise.. never ask kiwis. sh_rg